Taking Stock | What falls within our personal boundaries?

Taking Stock |  Click Here, for picture source.

While taking stock can come in many forms, what I am referring to here is really taking a deeper look at ourselves.  Taking a look at things like our thought process, why we are thinking what we are thinking, why we are acting how we are acting, why we love who we love...

• First reflect on who you are inside.  Analyze your motives that drive behaviors, thoughts, feelings, attitudes... 
• Second discover your principles, values, drivers.  (Read Please Understand Me by David Keirsey)
• Third develop a plan for making the necessary changes that better align to your principals and values.  These could include developing a personal mission statement.
• Last take ACTION!

Thoughts regarding, Feelings, Attitudes, Beliefs, Behaviors, Choices, Values, Limits, Talents, Thoughts, Desires & Love.  

***Resources & sources can be found throughout in the links provided.***

"Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge."  Feelings should be used as an alert signal.  For instance, when we leave the frig open, an alert sounds to let us know that its been open for an unacceptable period of time.  We are given the ability to feel and to reason in order for us to use the feelings as our warning signal to take action or to simply enjoy.

2 Timothy 1:7

King James Version (KJV)

⁷ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

"Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something." and "Beliefs are anything you accept as true."  Attitudes and beliefs go hand in hand because how you see things generally will guide what you believe to be true about it.  According to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by the late Stephen Covey, if you are able to change how some sees themselves you can change their behavior and so in essence change their belief structure.

"Behaviors have consequences.  As Paul says, 'A man reaps what he sows' (Gal. 6:7-8).  As Proverbs warns, 'stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path' (Prov. 15:10) .  To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless (p. 43)."

When a child is small, they do not understand the consequences of their behavior.  We as the adults have to teach them right from wrong.  Once they have mastered the ability to understand, it becomes their responsibility to get the understanding of the consequences of their own behavior.  As it is ours to gain understanding of the consequences of our own behavior.  My cousin said to me, I don't really recall why, but she said "in all your getting, get understanding."  I had heard that said before, but for some reason when she said it, it just kind of stuck with me. In all your getting, get understanding.

Galatians 6:7-8

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

⁷ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸ The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature^[a] will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Proverbs 15:10

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹⁰ Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path;
    he who hates correction will die.

Choices are power.  They allow us to hold the power of our own destiny in our own hands.  Taking responsibility for our own choices "leads to the fruit of self-control." (Gal 5:23)  When we do not take responsibility for our own choices, we are rendering ourselves powerless!  What a scary thought!

Galatians 5:22-26

New International Version (NIV)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.

Values unlike principles are ever changing as we grow and develop and mature.  When we begin to own our values as they relate to our thinking, our behavior, our feelings, we begin to take control of our lives and our future.  "What we value is what we love and assign importance to." (p.45)

Limits are generally thought of in terms of control.  I will control what you do, where you go, how long you stay or when you go.  BUT, that's not what limits are about in the area of identifying our own boundaries.  Because we can only truly control ourselves, we must limit our own exposure to undesirable behavior, communication, activities, places, television programs, and the list goes on.  We can control how long we stay at the party that has gotten out of control or in the relationship that has become unhealthy and abusive or the negotiation with our twelve year old that thinks she can date.

We all possess talents.  Some athletic, some musical, some vocal, some of us are givers, servants in nature, some are organized and some the gift of teaching.  God has blessed us all with our own unique talents.  If you don't know what your talents or gifts are, reach out to someone you trust to uncover them.

Thoughts are a tricky part of our boundary setting.  We want people to read our minds.  When we are hurt, we think the offender should know what they did.  But the reality is, that the offended should speak up.  Only you (and of course God) know the thoughts you have and the feelings of your heart.  The offender probably doesn't even know they offended you.

Desires according to dictionary.com, is to wish or long for; crave; want.  Desires are also associated with cravings, enjoyment and sex.  It's very important that these kinds of emotions are kept on a tight leash.  When not controlled closely it is easy for the mind to wonder and once that happens the flesh soon follows.

Love can be best summed up by Galatians 5:22-26.

Galatians 5:22-26

New International Version (NIV)

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" [source: Sing365]. - Eden Abhez

What does a physical boundary look like?

A Picture of BOUNDARIES | Click Here for Map Source

As you can see this is a map of the United States of America.  Everything north of what's shown here and everything south of what's shown here, do not belong to the US.  I'm not a history buff so I cannot go into the detail as to how it all happened...  I just know that it is.  The boundaries have been set.  Within the United States of America, there are states.  Each state is identified by it's boundaries, also as shown here.  Within each state are cities, which also have boundaries.  All of these boundaries allows each entity to operate within it's own confines.  They can create their own laws and ordinances and choose how to enforce them.  We can continue to narrow this scope until we are down to the very household we live in level, where the parents make the rules (laws) and decide how to enforce (time out, spanking, grounding, etc.) them.  And then there is the one and only thing each of us really only has control of and that is ourselves.  Have you ever heard the phrase, "you are invading my space".  Well that is a boundary that one has decided to own and enforce by letting the other person know that they are in their space.  If only all of the invisible boundaries were that easy to identify AND enforce!

In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see.  In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real but often harder to see (p.31 of text & p.15 of workbook).

Proverbs 4:23

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
    for it is the wellspring of life.

If I have no boundaries or they are misplaced, how can I even begin to "guard my heart"?  Well, the eyes and ears are the windows to the soul.  With the media outlets today, it is very difficult to stay on guard all of the time.  However, we can protect our hearts in our dealings with people, by deciding who we are, "what is me and what is not me?". (Cloud & Townsend, 1995)

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995). Boundaries workbook. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Boundaries | Do you have any?

Over time and through much experience, we eventually learn where our boundaries are.  Most often they are not where they should be, but certainly there.  In some cases, we've failed to set boundaries that our friends respect, or that our children respect, our spouses, out parents, our co-workers, and the list can go on and on.  This is not something we've done intentionally, it just happens.  My mom, my sisters and I have challenged each other and ourselves to go deeper, by reading and discussing Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.  As I work through this with my family, I will also blog about myself.  I know that I have a lot to learn in this area, being the mother of an adult child and an elementary school age child, I can see areas where I had no boundaries with the first child and where suddenly I know there should be a boundary with the second child. 

So, my question to you is, do you have any boundaries?  I challenge you to take this journey with us!  Discover your boundaries, or lack thereof.

You can buy the book from Barnes & Noble, Amazon and many other retailers.

I look forward to this journey.